December 3rd, 1968

Dear Ned,

I was so glad to hear from you and sorry you and Sybil still have to wait to get into the house. It will be good to see you all again and I hope we will, though I still hope it will be possible for you to do the moving during your holidays. Once I hear you are definitely coming and can come for Christmas dinner I'll order a turkey. Otherwise not I think as they last so long for just two - it is possible to freeze it! Do trust Sybil and Kate have got over their colds - without sniffles.

This is just a quick note as I must get to bed. Father said he tried to phone you about Phil but couldn't find your Gresford number; it is the last entry under the Rs so I can't imagine where he looked. He wrote you but I am not sure what he said. I went on Saturday, Sir Guy driving me in to the Salisbury station and I reached No. 5 about 11:30 a.m. and found Hugo Lee and Marijane in a pretty distressed and emotional state, and Phil lying in the first bed in the guest room looking unutterably ill, weak and distressed. Actually he wasn't suffering nearly as much as the family, the doctor had told them. He was sitting bolt upright, propped by about six pillows and a back rest, head drooping slightly and breathing in short gasps, eyes closed and so thin. He tended to slip downwards in the soft bed and getting him back was what was so terrible as he cried out loudly to stop if we touched him on his right side, yet he wanted to be moved back to help his breathing. Molly was so fearful of what it would be once the morphia compound the doctor had injected wore off in six hours. Actually he never needed any more than just that one injection. The pills sufficed and that night when the nurse arrived at 9pm, sent in by the doctor for the first time, he became lots more comfy and relaxed. He was really conscious at times I am sure but just when you were sure he was sleeping he would say something, generally a mumble hard to get. But he knew those who waited on him and Ellen, who came in that afternoon for a short time, was able to get him to take his pill crushed in water.

Molly had her first night of not looking after him. Lee had spent the night before in the flat. He was terribly upset and sat with Phil, holding his hand all that day and wept from time to time. I don't think either he or Hugo ever had accepted the fact that Phil would really die. They were hoping he would get over this spell and poor Molly was hoping he could die quickly, but the next day we were all more relaxed after the nurse was able to do so much more with him than we could. Am sure it was the professional touch. And of course someone not his family - as the doctor said Sunday morning. He said a few things during the night and once said firmly "Where is my wife?" . The nurse got Marijane at 2:30 a.m. Phil then said to her "They want me to play golf". So she said "Well, you always loved golf so why don't you play?". He seemed satisfied and slept on. The nurse (a competent Irish woman, very cheery and sympathetic) returned Sunday night about 9 and Phil asked for something to eat which he had not done for 48 hours. Marijane made him an eggnog and he drank half of it. I was in the next room, she, the nurse and Lee were with Phil and I heard a little choke and thought he was bringing it up, but he died in the "twinkling of an eye". Molly rushed in to me and said "She thinks he is dead", and I rushed in and he was dead, and dead white. I understood the meaning of that expression for the first time. Before he was a darkish colour, as he has been all along, a healthy colour, and this amazingly sudden change could hardly be believed. The nurse washed and laid him out and the three of them dressed him in pyjama tops and a grand new sarong sent from Siam by the Chinese friend, Molly saying he always loved his sarongs. Marijane rang Hugo who came and we all sat and had some whiskey, including the nurse who told me even though she had had this for years she was always upset. Molly hunted up a very handsome silver inlay Japanese cigarette case and gave it to her. I thought this a very sweet gesture and she seemed very touched. We rang various people and it was about midnight when the nurse was taken home by Hugo. Lee went back about 1:30 and we got to bed at 2:30. Phil's body was covered with a sheet but head left exposed and he looked exactly like one of those white marble effigies you see in Gothic churches - nose very prominent, dead white hair, long long thin face, not a bit like himself really but with all his fine cheek and forehead bones showing, but cheeks gone with his extreme thinness. The other main impression was he looked a very old man. The nurse had thought him very old and was amazed to learn he was 64.

Molly has been wonderful and had none of the self pity that poor Alma has indulged in every minute since. I must stop now. The funeral is Thursday and we both go up tomorrow after lunch, will spend the night. Funeral at a big church at 10:45 then cremation at Golders Green - the Church is St. Mary Abbots, where Phil used to go. He so wanted to live until Christmas but I'm glad his terrible ordeal is over. He has been so very weak for so long and felt awful even though he didn't have any truly great pain. Marijane has evidently got heroin confused with morphine though actually it was pethedrin the doctor injected. He said it was a newer compound of morphine and didn't cause the nausea the other often did. When I wrote about the cough mixture I meant that it did contain heroin which is said to help more than anything for coughs. I imagine it has very little but it does require a prescription for each bottle and cost them 35/-.

Phil wanted his ashes to be buried in the little churchyard at Farnborough and Mr. Bulmer Thomas arranged that as well as the funeral and other matters. Lee and Hugo were splendid. Janet went up to see her today. After all your remarks about the daylight saving in winter I can see your point. But the evenings get light so much quicker as they start from December 18th while in the mornings they get earlier by one minute on January 6th but don't open a bit every day until January 15th, so we do have to endure all this darkness lots longer if we can't sleep later. Well, I do ramble on. All this could be better for a good rewriting.

Much love,

Mr. Brazier has started. He thinks our hot water tank needs renewing. It has some rust spots and there is a water mark appearing in the hall below. We are going to try to make it do until the spring because of the pest of having hot water and furnace &c. shut off in winter. Furnace might only have to be shut down while it was all being disconnected and reconnected. Joan and Den phoned from Virginia today - to Molly of course. Joan did the talking and Den shared the cost. Machi was taking it better than the sisters, Marijane said. I sent them a short wire yesterday and was surprised it took twenty-four hours to be phoned to them as it was not sent by delayed telegraph. Possibly there was the time difference and suchlike but even so twenty-four hours seems a bit much.